The very first mask that I ever put on – wait, let me rephrase that – the very first mask that I put on myself, was that of “The Ugly Duckling.” Now, the reason I am differentiating between myself putting on a mask as opposed to others putting masks upon me, is because we are all born “maskless and by extension also nameless”, as well, until the moment, sometime after birth where we are “equipped” with our very first mask!

Human being is the very first mask that we don, a human being that will require a “name” (or “label”), thus the mask of human comes with a name, and not just any name, a name that would be fit either a boy or a girl, depending upon the “gender” of the human, as well as one that holds some kind of significance for the parent or parents of the child.

The masks keep coming after that – besides the obvious mask of boy or of girl – there is also the mask of son, daughter, grandson, granddaughter, brother, sister, cousin, aunt, uncle, you get the picture, masks all around!!! Eventually, other masks come along, like student, teenager, adult, introvert, extrovert, husband, wife, father, mother, you get the picture, masks, masks, everywhere are masks! By now, many of you have no doubt realized that masks appear to be synonymous with labels, basically, they are one and the same . . . Mask = Label and vice versa, with me so far?

Now to get back to my story, when I was approximately 6 or 7 years of age, I was introduced – and not gently at all – was introduced to the idea of “judgement.” I mean, what six year-old knows of such things, yet, here I was getting my first lesson! Unfortunately for me, it was a lesson that was learned at great personal expense, to the extent, that even today some 50 plus years later, I still sometimes feel the sting of that lesson.

You see, I have what is now commonly known as an over-bite, meaning my two upper front teeth protrude over or should I say under my upper lip, of course, it was my entire jaw that was out of alignment, but unfortunately for me, it was my prominent front teeth that stuck out to such a degree that kids started calling me “buck-toothed beaver,” and Bugs Bunny, whilst making that annoying “gna gna gna” sound as they protruded their front teeth in my direction, in pure unadulterated judgement – as if I had any control over the way my dentition grew within my own frame, as if any of us had that kind of control over our own body mechanics!

These were masks that were “forced” upon me, if you will, masks that I did not wish to wear, but was forced to do so anyway. So, what did I do? Well, I constructed a mask for myself, to hide the hurt and betrayal that I felt each and every day of my young life, that’s what I did! I became the “Ugly Duckling,” desperately waiting, hoping and praying that I would become that Beautiful, slender necked Swan, gliding elegently down the stream, the envy of all the other creatures admiring her beauty! It seems I’ve been waiting in vain, because as far as I know I am no Swan, or so I thought . . .

So, my young life became one of wearing masks, whichevever mask I needed in any given situation, I was able to come up with one, seemingly from out of nowhere, like a magician drawing a rabbit out of a hat!! I became quite adept at it, to such a degree that whenever, my Aunt would have a party or get together, the party wouldn’t be considered “started” until I got there to liven it up!

The only problem was that I was literally laughing on the outside whilst crying on the inside – your typical smile now/cry later icon from the theater. I was the life of the party, because inside I was dead! I have been wearing that mask for most of my life, I’m afraid, although of late, I have noticed this particular mask slipping more often than even I am prepared to admit to or to even prepare for when it does slip!!

It has brought me problems, but I realize that with each slippage, I become more me, more free, less constrained, less fearful definitely. I don’t know, maybe it has something to do with the fact that “death,” potentially could be literally around the corner, really gives me pause about my life and what I can do with it at this late stage of the game! I mean, I’m pushing 60, I can honestly say that I never imagined myself at this age, at any age really, I’ve always just lived, very stoic and very pragmatic despite my upbringing, I never really gave much thought to the f’uture . . .

I’m not sure exactly when that changed for me, when I started contemplating the future, I can’t think of a time actually, when I did contemplate myself in any kind of future, even to this day, with the exception of the fact that I have been contemplating my own demise quite a bit lately, actually wanting it to come sometimes so badly, I could almost taste it, yet at the same time, having that fear of what may or may not be on the other side of the veil. I’m scared that I will just wink out of existence as if I never were and a big part of me wants it to be so, because I am just so tired of being alive, but there is another part of me, that doesn’t want this to be the end and wants to know what life was all about after-all! Curiosity killed the cat kind of thing, you know? Very ambivalent feelings I can tell you! However, I digress.

You may be asking yourself or wondering to yourself what terrible event befell my person to have grown up with such feelings of low self-esteem, besides that name calling without ceasing back in the day, right? Well, the answer to that question is a very delicate subject that though I am comfortable speaking about it on my own behalf, I am hesitant to share because of those in this audience who may have “suffered” the same or similar situation and/or event! I do not wish to raise any kind of PTSD moments in any such readers, however, I believe that I must share my experiene, if only to “spare” anyone else my journey or anything like it!

I am a woman who at the time of this writing is less than two months shy of my 59^th birthday! I find myself in a position in life that I never thought I would find myself and because of it, I find myself going over and over my entire life and the choices – good and bad – that I’ve made and I’ve come to realize that I am here now because of my choices, because of the masks that I “chose” to wear in any given situation and in a weird type of paradox, I found that the more I wanted to remove masks, the more masks I actually found myselt putting on, it was becoming a literal excersice in futility!!

The older I became, the more masks I was wearing and the more masks I was trying to take off in an endless, ceaseless moment of desperately trying to “find myself” beneath the many layers!! One of the masks, that I find most difficult to remove is that of “sexual abuse victim.” Because, it isn’t something that one would “choose” to experience as a child, however I am learning that we do choose our lives here in one way or another and I chose to experience this “suffering” for some sort of soul growth. Of course, knowing this doesn’t necessarily make it “okay” that this horrific thing happened to me on a regular basis, to the degree that I “had” to don several masks in order to self-protect!!

For me, the experience had an added dimension or should I say dimensions, because on the one hand, I was the Ugly Duckling and having to deal with those feelings of being unloved kind of got mixed up in my head with what was happening to me and for me it just felt like I was some kind of target for the universe, to see how many times it could actually hit me and I began to feel “different” from everyone else around me, including the adults in my life, to the point where I actually questioned at about the age of 7 or 8, whether I were an alien from another planet, and not in some, joking kind of manner, but in a serious, needing and wanting to find answers kind of way, very serious!!

The only problem being, that until very recently, I couldn’t really say in what way I was different, just that I felt different, I felt most especially that, the way I thought about things felt different from the way others thought about the same things, it was very frustrating especially because I didn’t have anyone that I could talk to about these kinds of things!

The other dimension that I had to contend with, was that in every respect the person in question was a good, hard working person who took care of his family and saw that they lacked for nothing, even if he went without. This dichotomy was not lost on me even at that young age, I understood his “humanness” if you will, even if at that time I wasn’t able to put a name to it, I loved him, despite the “angst” that he was putting me through on a regular basis! I somehow felt his pain, even if at the time I was unable to discern that that was indeed what I was doing, what I have been doing my entire life!!

It has not been easy for me by any means, my teenage years were sheer torture, you know those years where you begin to like boys, despite your sheer objection to the very idea not that long ago, yet you find yourself being strung along if you will by your raging hormones, and unfortunalely for me, there was very little reciprocity on the part of the opposite sex, I was the Ugly Duckling afterall, so what did I expect?! In an interesting twist to this particular part of the tale, I found out just within the last 15 years or so, that I had actually had more male attention of which I had been unaware, due to the fact, that my brothers – despite the fact that I am the eldest – had taken upon themselves to basically “cock-block” any guy who showed any interest in me, what this unfortunate revelation made me think about was that perhaps I wouldn’t have grown up feeling like the Ugly Duckling had I known that there had indeed been quite a bit of male interest, I’m just saying!!

At any rate, I’m finding it a bit easier to take masks off now that I am older. Alot of the bullshit stuff that I grew up with, I pretty much left behind, however, somewhere in my mid thirties, I got myself involved in a situation that in hind-sight, perhaps was not the wisest decision of my life, but it’s as I stated earlier, though I considered the consequences of my decision, I didn’t see its import from a future perspective, I simply went with my gut feelings. Of course, had I “not” made this decision I wouldn’t have my beautiful daughter and my beautiful granddaughters as a result, so, I understand that it was meant to be in one form or another, because, try as I might I just cannot imagine my life without my girls in it, so I know they were meant to be here, because here they are, it’s as simple as that!!

I had actually had a marriage proposal from a very stable, family oriented man at the time, but I went with my “heart” or “gut” and married my baby’s daddy and we were actually together for 5 years before I was able to become pregnant and those years were full of angst in and of themselves, however, I was under the umbrella of God at the time, so I felt or believed that I was doing the Christian thing and being a good wife and mother (at this time, my eldest daughter from a previous marriage was 7 years old going on 8) and being a good Christian as well, going to church (actually working at the church and school), attending all church functions, you know how it is.

So it was with a bit of shock and surprise when what I felt was the most devastating thing to happen to me (notwithstanding my years of abuse) that I couldn’t believe that it had happened under the umbrella of God and something inside me died, I mean, I believe that I died that day, that false me that I had become literally died that day. I can see how my family sees me as a failure, because when I was a young girl, I found that I complained a lot and that I was known as “La Consentida,” the “The Special One,” if you will that I got everything that I wanted. What they didn’t realize at the time was that those “things” that I was always getting were in effect “hush-hush” gifts and they have no idea the humiliation and guilt and shame that accompanied the gifts, not from the perpetrator, but from me, for being so spineless and not letting anyone know what was happening, but the shame always over rode any attempt I may have had at letting anyone know, anyone . . .

Therefore, due to this unfortunate event in my mid thirties, I completely fell apart, to the degree that I actually made myself sick with one of the most devastating diseases that can afflict a body – Grave’s Disease – an autoimmune disease; whilst I was attending the University of Texas at El Paso where I was attempting to obtain my Bachelor’s in English Literature with the idea that I was going to teach highschool english. Well that dream died a slow, agonizing death when I was diagnosed and my life hasn’t been the same ever since. Many other events have occurred in my life which were traumatic in nature, however these are the highlights, and in my family’s eyes I became a failure, a life drop-out and I can’t really blame them for believing so, however you know that old saying about walking a mile in someone else’s shoes and all that . . .

The extreme irony that has not escaped me of course, is how in this day and age, we are ALL “literally” wearing masks because of Covid or Corona Virus and for me, with the idea of wanting to strip off all masks once and for all, well, as I said, extremely ironic!! However, I have noticed that since we began wearing these “outer,” “visible,” masks that the “false” masks that we have been wearing up until now, appear to be slipping and that perhaps we are seeing each other as we truly are, for maybe the first time in forever, a whole new paradigm!! Masks everywhere, but maybe slipping? Finally? Is it possible? Could be . . .

One Mask which I have donned inspite of all of this is that of the spiritual person and it is because of this new found spirituality, NOT religion, that I am able to better understand my place in this reality that we call Life! I’m not going to lie, I sometimes have my moments when I just want it all to be over, I’m tired of living, sometimes what I experience doesn’t feel like living, it feels more like death than living, yet I do see the good in the illusion, I see the others whose lights have been ignited and I feel bouyed by them as I join my light with theirs and I can actually feel a sense of hope, of things being right with the world, that it’s all just a matter of perspective!! Looking at Life with Fresh Eyes!!

Nevertheless, it’s a lonely path, the spiritual one, it is a Journey that begins by going within, to the inner part of yourself that you know survives this “physical” one, even if you don’t know what’s on the other side! Even if you can bring yourself to believe that we just cease to exist, like a light being extinguished forevermore, there is that greater part of you that “knows” your consciousness is greater than your physical being, you know, even if you don’t know how you know, you just know!

Going within, at least for me, has been the most difficult part of the journey because for many people all around the world, meditation is a technique that works very well for centering themselves and being able to truly go within and touch that divine altar that resides deep within their consciousness, however I have not been especially successful at meditating myself. I find it extremely difficult to get into that space where you just let the thoughts pass you by without you having to entertain any one of them, for me it is a very difficult thing to do.

It makes me kind of sad sometimes, because I feel so spiritual and so tuned-in, yet when it comes to meditation, I fall short of the mark and it makes me feel as if I may be missing part of the important picture, yet, at the same time, I can’t help feeling that my experience is going to be different from everyone elses, simply because I am different, I’ve always felt it and known it and it’s only now this late in life that I’m beginning to understand just how different I really am and sometimes I become angered at the fact that I should have been taught much of what I’m just now learning, a long time ago, while I was still young. However, it’s a moot point, I’m here now and this is all there is: Here and Now! My favorite saying has become “I can’t Complain, But Sometimes I Still Do!”

This sentiment is unfortunate I know, but true nonetheless. Another favorite in response to how I’m doing is: “I’m in Perfect Health, Except for all my Medical Problems!!” You have to learn to laugh at yourself sometimes or you will go crazy for sure!! The one thing that I’m beginning to understand about the spiritual journey in regards to masks is that it becomes easier to shed those masks without the advent of more masks being replaced in their absence. You begin to peel back the layers of mask after mask until you find yourself “face-to-face” with your true self, who in the end turns out to be the Consciousness that Infuses Everything and Everyone and You realize that that is who you have been this entire time, this timeless consciousness that always has been and always will be and that is You, it’s pretty mind blowing! Some would call it God Realization, I would call it Consciousness Remembering (as in a “physical” re-grouping not just memories), a Remembering of Oneness, a Reuniting (return to Unity), a Remembering of Love and ALL its constituent parts (mainly, us) . . .

When my girls were little they would inevitably ask me: “Mommy, what’s your name?” My answer invariably would be: “I Am She Who Shall Remain Nameless.” Every time, they asked me that question, my response would be the same. I never gave it much thought at the time, however, since my spiritual journey has begun, I have come to understand that somewhere in my sub-conscious, I have always known the truth of my existence and thus knew, instinctively knew, that I AM She Who Shall Remain Nameless. Because of this realization, it’s quite interesting to think about it actually, how was it that I accepted the “name” of ugly duckling so readily, why did I don this particular mask?

I cannot be certain, but perhaps it was because the so-called ugly duckling was “labeled” incorrectly (was forced to wear a mask not of its own making) and in the end discovered that it had actually been a beautiful Swan all along. In becoming the Swan, the ugly duckling finally shed its false mask and in essence realized its true self and by the same accord, I too have accepted that I have always been a Swan, that we are all Swans (wearing the mask of ugly duckling) – each and every one of us – in the ever flowing void of existence that we call life!

I invite you now, to join me as you realize and accept your true nature by removing all masks and admitting to yourself, that in the grand scheme of things, this Is who WE truly Are, Nameless, Formless, and definitely Maskless, once and for all, fundamentally and truthfully Unmasked!!